Rebooting my life, with a smile.

 There is that sinking feeling again. In the labyrinth of my complex mind, I have literally faded. It’s been more than 365 days and the tomorrow that I have been waiting for have miserably failed to make its grand entry. Maybe, I was waiting for the golden moment to arrive every single day that I got used to waiting. “Waiting” another mind numbing word for procrastination. The one thing that I have mastered over the years. Now that I have become an expert procrastinator I have forgotten the actual driving force that was roaring within me. I shudder at the thought of what I have become. A bully. Yes, a bully who has been shushing the inner child from being free. With all the never ending menial tasks to do; telling it that it is selfish to nurture its soul; its true calling. Shushing it with all the negative thoughts and unleashed my inner demons mercilessly on the child. Lashed it so hard that the inner child has accepted defeat. It has lost its identity and started begging for compliments.  With zero confidence and self-hate the child lays writhing in pain. Is this what I am capable of after all? Maybe this is what drives people up the wall. Maybe, I am on that verge too. I sadly realize that I am the master of this chaos, this bottomless pit that is pulling me into its chasm.

This is exactly my thought process when I hit rock bottom. And believe me, this happens way too frequently. Just that the world around me is too busy to notice the pain the smile facades. Now don’t be quick to judge and call it depression. Not that depression is a taboo. This is the handiwork of the master procrastinator. And BHAM, another bout of self-awareness and self-motivation comes a full round, with a promise to start afresh tomorrow. There you go, “Tomorrow”.  Who on earth created the word “Tomorrow”. Like the false promise to a wailing kid that tomorrow will be the day for whatever the kid wanted. It’s like putting that imaginary pin pegged onto the imaginary world. My, my, I used to be a dreamer but in my heydays, I woke up from my dream to make it happen. Now I just reel in the pleasantness of the dream, wishing for it to somehow magically happen. Duh, it never does. And boy, I did learn it after 365 plus days. And the plus denoted to another random six months. I learnt that pain cannot to measured. But what else can be measured? Maybe your effort to turn the situation around. You can take your time to burn in this chaos. But staying down in the ashes will not work out. Now if I say to rise as a Phoenix would be too dramatic. Maybe, instead I just decided to stand up and mourn for all the lost time for one last time and dust myself. Dust myself of all the negativity I gathered, of all the doubts and inhibitions I lashed on the inner child. To be very honest, it was not easy. I needed a lot of coaxing, cajoling, pushing, yelling, cursing and what not to start again. So, here I am, finally, restarting my blog, after god know how many ages. To be fair on my part, it’s not a wise decision to look at the past mistakes. Rather to laugh at all the silly drama I created and to move ahead with a smile. A true genuine smile. So this is me again. Welcoming myself to my blog.

Nithya Pradeep